Silence is scary.

When I have nothing to distract me, I am forced to listen to what's insider head. It scares me because alot of it is crazy and irrational, I would definitely "what if" myself to death if I could, I am constantly putting myself in "worst-case scenarios".

The worst time of day fore is the what I call "twilight" it's the hour or so that I lay in bed and wait to fall asleep. My mind goes crazy....


What if I get sick and can't work?
How will I pay the bills and how long could I go without a steady paycheck?
What if my hubby left me?
Where would I go?
Who would take the kids?
What If I died?
Who would show up at the funeral?
What would people say?
What do people say?

And on and on and on..... Some nights guided meditations help. I would recommend anything by Simonette Vaja, she has quick little "mini-vacation"meditations that are 10minutes long..

does any one else have "busy head" right before they fall asleep??

Right this very second I am sitting with a steamy cup of coffee and I am exhausted. I know that exhaustion is a part of my illness and I try my best, but the guilt of "resting" instead of "doing" weighs heavy on me.

I know I'm sick, I feel it everyday, I see the subtle symptoms, other people don't. If you walked past me on the street I wouldn't look any different then a healthy person.

I have liver disease which has turned part of my liver into scar tissue. I am on 6 different meds to "help" my liver filter my blood.
I also have 4 "inoperable begnin tumours" living on this poor liver of mine. Good news is that they are NOT CANCER, bad news is that they are growing around the main artery. 
I live with a constant ache in my side, side effects from all the meds, and I get colds really easy because my immunity is low. 

My way of coping with all this is with humour. I joke about needing coffee 24/7 and I even named my tumours John, Paul, George and Ringo. Ringo is obviously the largest one.

I am a mom to 2 wonderful boys!  A is 6 going on 16, and P is 3.  Right now my biggest struggle is SLEEP!  It seems so elusive, most nights I work until 11pm and then I am up at 6 to start getting A ready for school.  I had this past weekend off and I napped! It was glorious, however waking up this morning at 6, I looked around a noticed all the housework that needs to be done.  I am feeling slightly ashamed that I chose sleep over housework.

I feel guilty, on my days off I should be cleaning the house and setting an example for the boys not laying around snoozing on the couch.  I want to be one of those moms who can keep the house clean,take the kids to zoo, work out and make a healthy and nutritious dinner!  The reality is more like, invent a "crazy pyjama" day so I don't have to get dressed, have a "backwards meal" day which is leftover pizza for breakfast and cereal for dinner.....

I am looking forward to the days when the boys are teenagers who sleep till noon.....