Silence is scary.

When I have nothing to distract me, I am forced to listen to what's insider head. It scares me because alot of it is crazy and irrational, I would definitely "what if" myself to death if I could, I am constantly putting myself in "worst-case scenarios".

The worst time of day fore is the what I call "twilight" it's the hour or so that I lay in bed and wait to fall asleep. My mind goes crazy....


What if I get sick and can't work?
How will I pay the bills and how long could I go without a steady paycheck?
What if my hubby left me?
Where would I go?
Who would take the kids?
What If I died?
Who would show up at the funeral?
What would people say?
What do people say?

And on and on and on..... Some nights guided meditations help. I would recommend anything by Simonette Vaja, she has quick little "mini-vacation"meditations that are 10minutes long..

does any one else have "busy head" right before they fall asleep??

I was kind of stuck with what to write, so I went to a site that hundreds of creative writing prompts, I randomly chose "write about your weirdest day at work, so here it is.......


Billie Jean by Michael Jackson has always been one of my favourite songs. A couple of weeks ago it was playing at work and I just couldn't help my self I started grooving. Just a subtle shoulder thing. An older guy walked in and said  "YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE MICHAEL ALL YOU'VE GOT"! He then grabbed my hand and led me out from my counter and we danced! It was like I was 12 again and dancing in my bedroom with my BFF. we just totally let loose and shook our troubles away, we sang loud and off key.

People always told me be careful of what you do
And don't go around breaking young girls' hearts
She came and stood right by me
Then the smell of sweet perfume
This happened much too soon
She called me to her room

Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son

Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

Everyone in the store was staring, but at the end of song we were greeted with a round of applause.

What was your weirdest day at work?

I have a few items that I refuse to buy store brand.  I just feel that the store brand is not even close to the brand name version.  On the same token there are certain items that I WOULD NEVER buy brand name...

BRAND NAME MUSTS

1. Kraft dinner
2. Tampax
3. Always
4. Heinz ketchup
5. Miracle Whip

STORE BRAND MUSTS

1. Cereal
2. Soda
3. Mustard
4. Diaper Wipes

What are your "brand name" musts?

Just this past week I found out that 4 long term relationships/marriages were over.  Some of them were close friends of mine, the others not so close but still within my circle.  I was shocked and saddened, but not for them! I know the 4 women personally and I KNOW they are strong and can make it. I was shocked because all I thought about was myself!


Hubby and I just celebrated 15 years, and here I was thinking of how I would feel if we split up?  How would MY kids feel?  How would I support us? How would I get up in the morning?  Then the guilt wave rolled in.... How could I possibly be thinking of myself, Hubby and I are happy, I was in the middle of planning a party for our anniversary and then I "gloom and doomed" myself.  What kind of a person am I when I cant even feel for my friends and instead torture myself with "what-if?"

Next Friday is my supervisors last day at work. I like to think we were close. We would go for coffee breaks together and chit chat about our husbands and favourite tv shows.

I decided to have a going away party for her, I was asking the rest of the staff for money to contribute to her cake and maybe some flowers. Little did I know that was a big joke....

No one wanted to put in money, so I said "you guys suck! I'll go ahead and get her a cake myself, maybe I'll make one. Just because she a hard ass at work doesn't mean she isn't a nice person...."

Then my co-workers started laughing and asked me why I cared so much about someone who hates me!

I felt humiliated, and everything I had confided in her played back in my mind. Did she really care or was she just fishing for information to use against me? I haven't seen her since, but I do plan on confronting her. Should I? Or should I just be the bigger person, throw the party and let it be?

Right this very second I am sitting with a steamy cup of coffee and I am exhausted. I know that exhaustion is a part of my illness and I try my best, but the guilt of "resting" instead of "doing" weighs heavy on me.

I know I'm sick, I feel it everyday, I see the subtle symptoms, other people don't. If you walked past me on the street I wouldn't look any different then a healthy person.

I have liver disease which has turned part of my liver into scar tissue. I am on 6 different meds to "help" my liver filter my blood.
I also have 4 "inoperable begnin tumours" living on this poor liver of mine. Good news is that they are NOT CANCER, bad news is that they are growing around the main artery. 
I live with a constant ache in my side, side effects from all the meds, and I get colds really easy because my immunity is low. 

My way of coping with all this is with humour. I joke about needing coffee 24/7 and I even named my tumours John, Paul, George and Ringo. Ringo is obviously the largest one.

I wish there was a manual out there that would tell me EXACTLY when I should keep my kids home from school and when I should stay home from work.  It would have to be very very specific, for example:

• If your child has a temperature of 99 or higher keep them home. 
• If their snot is green keep them home. 
• If it has been 10 hours since they last vomited they can go to school.

I am not a fan of making a judgement call call at 6am, I constantly second guess myself.  If I keep him home, I worry about what he is missing.  If I send him I worry that he is feeling terrible and making everyone else sick.

Same goes for me at work, however staying home is a little more tricky then just having my mom call in for me.  This weekend I choose to stay home, I had a fever and no voice.  A voice is very important when you work in customer service! In order for me to stay home and "rest" I had to find someone to replace me, go to the clinic and get a note from a doctor and by the time all that was done I was exhausted and thinking that I should have just sucked it up and gone in to work......