I want to make it clear that this is MY blog.
A place where I can vent, share and get input from other people. The premise of my post are centred around REAL people and real situations.
I will try to keep names secret, but I am sure if anyone knows me they could very well figure it out. I am not writing things to hurt people, the exact opposite is true.
Last night I was talking to my mom, and she informed me that she was "retiring"! Normally that wouldn't be such a big deal except she is only 56, and has lived in subsidised housing for 20+ years, I know she doesn't have enough saved to retire comfortably. She has been an associate at a major department store for 20 years, and has not been happy there for at least 5. She feels she has been discriminated against because she is older and has back issues.
So she is retiring in 3 weeks and told me not to worry about here because she is getting a job at "Mary Browns" chicken place. I just really don't know what to think of this? I personally feel that she is to good to work at a fast food place part time and should be looking for something unionised.... I guess I am just really worried....
Today Hubby and I are going to work on our yard. Since our house is new-ish we need to lay topsoil and sod. I have come to the conclusion that yardwork and children are the true test of whether you have a good marriage or not. Hubby is spewing orders at me, although he looks extremely cute all muddy and stuff, I am trying to not take it personally!
I hate HATE yardwork, getting dirty and playing with bugs and shovels has never been my "thing". If we are still married by the end of the day.....I'm certain we will last forever LOL
I hate HATE HATE being a working mom. We don't make enough for me to be able to stay home with the kids full time, yet working full time I still don't make enough to afford daycare for my two boys. Which leaves me having to work nights and weekends.
I never get to see my hubby and I am constantly left out of "family" outings on the weekend because I am at work and cant afford to miss a shift. Up until recently everything has been going well, but yesterday it all went to shit!!! My job has decided that I need to be available 24/7 to keep my position, or drop to a casual position which has no guaranteed hours.
I am stressed to the max, I am crazy worried. In my head we have already lost the house, it amazes me how my thoughts can go from mundane to insane in the matter of seconds. Right now I cant do anything until they make their final decision. So all I can do is worry and pray...
I find that the way you perceive yourself and the way others perceive you are totally different.
In my life I have known many people who think they are worthless and I think they are strong and worthy of a great many things. On the other hand I have also known people who think they are great and are actually far far from it. This becomes especially true once you throw children into the mix.
Recently I was looking after my friends child, they were mouthy and defiant. I tried talking to them and they proceeded to laugh and stare at the wall. Pretending I wasn't there at all, I asked "would you like me to call your mom and have her pick you up?"
They didn't answer me, so I grabbed the phone and called, I didn't want the child to think I was wasn't going to follow thru.
My phone call was not well received by the mom. She didn't want to leave and grab them. A while later the child started to throw up, again I called the mom. What happened next shocked me, I was told that my "yelling" had caused the child to become physically ill! Finally she came and picked him up.
I was emotionally distroyed. I would never ever abuse a child with words or otherwise, and it killed me to think that someone else did. I will admit I am not the best parent out there, and I wish there was a manual out there. If my child was mouthy and rude I would definitly want to know.
Was I wrong? Is there an unwritten "mom code" that I'm not aware of?
When I have nothing to distract me, I am forced to listen to what's insider head. It scares me because alot of it is crazy and irrational, I would definitely "what if" myself to death if I could, I am constantly putting myself in "worst-case scenarios".
The worst time of day fore is the what I call "twilight" it's the hour or so that I lay in bed and wait to fall asleep. My mind goes crazy....
What if I get sick and can't work?
How will I pay the bills and how long could I go without a steady paycheck?
What if my hubby left me?
Where would I go?
Who would take the kids?
What If I died?
Who would show up at the funeral?
What would people say?
What do people say?
And on and on and on..... Some nights guided meditations help. I would recommend anything by Simonette Vaja, she has quick little "mini-vacation"meditations that are 10minutes long..
does any one else have "busy head" right before they fall asleep??
I was kind of stuck with what to write, so I went to a site that hundreds of creative writing prompts, I randomly chose "write about your weirdest day at work, so here it is.......
Billie Jean by Michael Jackson has always been one of my favourite songs. A couple of weeks ago it was playing at work and I just couldn't help my self I started grooving. Just a subtle shoulder thing. An older guy walked in and said "YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE MICHAEL ALL YOU'VE GOT"! He then grabbed my hand and led me out from my counter and we danced! It was like I was 12 again and dancing in my bedroom with my BFF. we just totally let loose and shook our troubles away, we sang loud and off key.
People always told me be careful of what you do
And don't go around breaking young girls' hearts
She came and stood right by me
Then the smell of sweet perfume
This happened much too soon
She called me to her room
Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son
Everyone in the store was staring, but at the end of song we were greeted with a round of applause.
I have a few items that I refuse to buy store brand. I just feel that the store brand is not even close to the brand name version. On the same token there are certain items that I WOULD NEVER buy brand name...
Just this past week I found out that 4 long term relationships/marriages were over. Some of them were close friends of mine, the others not so close but still within my circle. I was shocked and saddened, but not for them! I know the 4 women personally and I KNOW they are strong and can make it. I was shocked because all I thought about was myself!
Hubby and I just celebrated 15 years, and here I was thinking of how I would feel if we split up? How would MY kids feel? How would I support us? How would I get up in the morning? Then the guilt wave rolled in.... How could I possibly be thinking of myself, Hubby and I are happy, I was in the middle of planning a party for our anniversary and then I "gloom and doomed" myself. What kind of a person am I when I cant even feel for my friends and instead torture myself with "what-if?"
Next Friday is my supervisors last day at work. I like to think we were close. We would go for coffee breaks together and chit chat about our husbands and favourite tv shows.
I decided to have a going away party for her, I was asking the rest of the staff for money to contribute to her cake and maybe some flowers. Little did I know that was a big joke....
No one wanted to put in money, so I said "you guys suck! I'll go ahead and get her a cake myself, maybe I'll make one. Just because she a hard ass at work doesn't mean she isn't a nice person...."
Then my co-workers started laughing and asked me why I cared so much about someone who hates me!
I felt humiliated, and everything I had confided in her played back in my mind. Did she really care or was she just fishing for information to use against me? I haven't seen her since, but I do plan on confronting her. Should I? Or should I just be the bigger person, throw the party and let it be?
Right this very second I am sitting with a steamy cup of coffee and I am exhausted. I know that exhaustion is a part of my illness and I try my best, but the guilt of "resting" instead of "doing" weighs heavy on me.
I know I'm sick, I feel it everyday, I see the subtle symptoms, other people don't. If you walked past me on the street I wouldn't look any different then a healthy person.
I have liver disease which has turned part of my liver into scar tissue. I am on 6 different meds to "help" my liver filter my blood.
I also have 4 "inoperable begnin tumours" living on this poor liver of mine. Good news is that they are NOT CANCER, bad news is that they are growing around the main artery.
I live with a constant ache in my side, side effects from all the meds, and I get colds really easy because my immunity is low.
My way of coping with all this is with humour. I joke about needing coffee 24/7 and I even named my tumours John, Paul, George and Ringo. Ringo is obviously the largest one.
I wish there was a manual out there that would tell me EXACTLY when I should keep my kids home from school and when I should stay home from work. It would have to be very very specific, for example:
If your child has a temperature of 99 or higher keep them home.
If their snot is green keep them home.
If it has been 10 hours since they last vomited they can go to school.
I am not a fan of making a judgement call call at 6am, I constantly second guess myself. If I keep him home, I worry about what he is missing. If I send him I worry that he is feeling terrible and making everyone else sick.
Same goes for me at work, however staying home is a little more tricky then just having my mom call in for me. This weekend I choose to stay home, I had a fever and no voice. A voice is very important when you work in customer service! In order for me to stay home and "rest" I had to find someone to replace me, go to the clinic and get a note from a doctor and by the time all that was done I was exhausted and thinking that I should have just sucked it up and gone in to work......
Yesterday we spent the whole day outside,it was beautiful. we played at the park and went for a bike ride. Today when my alarm went off at 6 am, I could barely swallow. Then I went into A's bedroom to get him up for school and he had a temp of 101! So right now we are sitting in front of the TV watching movies....
I am looking forward to Easter this year. We bought a huge goose that hubby thinks he can cook, my MIL will be in town to gently guide him threw the cooking process. My FIL Can tucker the boys out and i will be working the entire 4 day weekend! Honestly I don't really mind working the holiday I get paid time and a half, my customers will be in good spirits. And I get to come home to a home cooked meal that I didn't have to cook! My MIL spoils me rotten, when I get home from work I can put my feet up an relax, and sneak a snuggle or two from the turdherders!!!
I only started doing the whole Easter egg hunt last year, before that it just seemed like a waste. A was only 4 and P was just starting to walk. I just couldnt get into it. I remember one year when I was pregnant with P a coworker had asked what I planning for a hunt with A, I replied nothing, A didn't even know about the Easter bunny. The coworker then went on and on about me being a terrible mother and how cruel it was to not enlighten him about the Easter bunny and his many chocolate friends. I cried, alot. I couldn't believe what she had said and even worse what if it was the truth!!! Now I am older and wiser, and I don't believe I deprived my boys of anything. It seems like there is always a holiday on the way....
What are your Easter rituals.? Is there a holiday you don't celebrate?
I am a mom to 2 wonderful boys! A is 6 going on 16, and P is 3. Right now my biggest struggle is SLEEP! It seems so elusive, most nights I work until 11pm and then I am up at 6 to start getting A ready for school. I had this past weekend off and I napped! It was glorious, however waking up this morning at 6, I looked around a noticed all the housework that needs to be done. I am feeling slightly ashamed that I chose sleep over housework.
I feel guilty, on my days off I should be cleaning the house and setting an example for the boys not laying around snoozing on the couch. I want to be one of those moms who can keep the house clean,take the kids to zoo, work out and make a healthy and nutritious dinner! The reality is more like, invent a "crazy pyjama" day so I don't have to get dressed, have a "backwards meal" day which is leftover pizza for breakfast and cereal for dinner.....
I am looking forward to the days when the boys are teenagers who sleep till noon.....
